Jesus???...really???

A few weeks ago my church held a faith conference to…to…OK, I’m not entirely sure what the goal was, but it did involve several well-known speakers, and they talked about, oddly enough, faith. Now, to anyone that has ever attended one of these charismatic love-fests, they would note that emotionalism is a key element to the success of these outings. Also, to anyone that has ever interacted with me, they would note that emotionalism is not something that I am prone to and, in fact, heavily dislike.

That being said, throughout the conference, I was open to the messages shared and listened for a “special” word from God, one that was just for me. However, as is common, I was not affected on the same emotional level as everyone else and found myself expecting more.

With the conference over, the guest “men of God” gone and my hopes crushed, I resigned myself to tarry on, plugging away at my dead-end life and my dead-end job. One day while toiling away at my desk, writing copy and leading the crap out of some technical content, I was (as C.S. Lewis might put it) surprised by joy. As I scanned through my inbox I was greeted with this image:

From: Jesus
Subject: really

Imagine my excitement at receiving an e-mail from the Word Become Flesh. With baited breath, I opened the message to be greeted with the following text:

Dwight just told me that you no doubt became aware about the knowledge on feeling like you did in college,

Just though you might want to know plan, that has been consulting me feel better about myself.

Armando and me have been on this new program

http://www.icpe.cognizancelosed.com/ly/

that has been guiding me with that.

salon end of the sandstone cliffs
roll background were countless flaming eyes.
Thailand yet bunk beds I may

First, I would like to thank you, Dwight, whomever you are, for speaking to Jesus about me. I don’t remember you from college, but I was so hopped on queludes for those four years that I really don’t remember much of it…except that one night with the pony and the trebuchet, but my lawyer says that the statute of limitations hasn’t expired yet, so I probably shouldn’t say anything more about it…Anyway, as the Lord’s message indicates, I have been feeling much like I did in college – burned out, hapless, lonely, depressed and wanting more out of life.

Now, I’m not entirely sure who Armando is (perhaps some unknown saint, maybe an archangel), but if the Son of God says that he’s hooked on a new program from some random Web site, sign me up.

After visiting the site, I was admittedly confused why the Savior of Mankind is so interested in HGH treatments from the Total Health & Rejuvenation Center. However, as an Xian (it’s like a Christian, but more hard core) my stated goal is to be a follower of X. So if X is interested in the activities of the Total Health & Rejuvenation Center, that means that I too am “interested” in the activities of said organization…and by “interested” I mean “I’ll be dropping HGH like my pants at the proctologist.” (NOTE: The previous statement was meant as an analogy. The author of this blog has never allowed anyone to place their finger in or anywhere near his exit clause…except for that night with the pony and the trebuchet…damn queludes.)

…With regards to the last three lines of our Lord’s message, I figured that Jesus was just throwing those in there to get past my spam filters, which are fairly aggressive…and come to think of it, run by a daemon...and if twelve years at a religious indoctrination center (private school) have taught me anything, it's that anything remotely resembling the word "demon" has to be inherently evil.

Of course! How could I have been so blind? All of this time wasted, waiting for a divine connection when the answer has been staring me in the face all along. The Lord has been trying to communicate with me, but the foul network administrators that have surrounded me are doing everything possible to stop that from happening. Obviously this foul class of ne’er-do-wells are in league with the prince of lies and seek to undermine my faith. Well have no doubt that this travesty will not go unanswered.

IT support staff be warned – I’m coming for you. Pray to your fallen lord now, for my wrath shall be swift and unending. (And by “swift” and “unending,” I mean that I am going to taser you in your junk…and by “junk” I mean “testacles.”)