For the first time in a decade, I have gone snowboarding. This now brings my total of snowboarding trips to two. I don't know if there are words to describe just how much I suck, but I saw dozens of children no higher than my waste rocket past me throughout the day. (I think quite of few of them were laughing at me.) However, I can say that I did a hell of a lot better than I did back in my senior year of high school. Unfortunately, any number multiplied by zero is still zero.
As you might expect, I fell on every part of my anatomy several times - sometimes driving one part of said anatomy into an alternate, more tender part. Oddly enough, the pain of the actual day of snowboarding is so much less then the ongoing suffering of the following days. Every muscle burns with the fire of a hundred...nay, a thousand suns. Those aforementioned anatomy parts grow livid with any motion. And my left knee, my apparent shock absorber of choice, stings on contact with anything heavier than a feather.
In this state, I find myself questioning "Why in the name of all that does not suck did I do this to myself?" I believe the only answer is that I must have some masochistic tendency. Some intense self-loathing that leads me to my own destruction. Typically, I try to avoid pain whenever possible, but on Monday, that was not the case. In fact, I kept trying to push myself until my body was no longer willing to cooperate.
I need to have a good, long talk with myself and work on this latent hostility. Until I work this out, I am going to self-medicate with a lot of rest and sitting on my voluminous, yet supple posterior.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Working my fingers to the bone
As you can see, I'm not really doing such a hot job posting regularly. But I have an excuse this week. While I took time off last week, I am working several extra hours this week.
"Doing what?" you might ask. Well, I work for a marketing company writing boring sales collateral. No really, I'm a copywriter. I write copy. "What kind of copy?" Well, something kind of like this (but completely different).
"Doing what?" you might ask. Well, I work for a marketing company writing boring sales collateral. No really, I'm a copywriter. I write copy. "What kind of copy?" Well, something kind of like this (but completely different).
New to the IBM Workplace family of products is IBM PureEdge. For those of you who have longed for more edge in your applications, IBM now has the answer. This sucker's edgier than U2. That's right, it's edgier than "The Edge" - the definitive article. It's edgier than one of those Schick Triple Edge razors (which is by default three times edgier than The Edge/U2). You want edge? You got it baby. This hot little application is so edgy that it's PureEdge. Pure. Unadulterated. Edge. It's all edge. It's as edgy as a one-dimensional line. There is no part of it that is not edge. You could circumcise a muon with the edge on this puppy. Now that's edge. That's PureEdge, by IBM....somebody should pay me to write commercials.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
The Pevensies vs. The Hobbits
(I am going to gauge this combat based on each of the groups' later incarnations, at a time when they were battle-hardened and actually "dangerous." If this contest were to take place at the beginning of each set of novels, my guess is that it would be filled with introductions and "how do you do's," ultimately concluding with a grand tea party and discussions of the weather. Then again, perhaps that would have been more interesting...)
"We swear fealty only to King Aargorn!" piped Sam. Turning to his companions, he asked, "Isn't that right, Master Frodo?"
"Well," Frodo answered as he rolled back his eyes in thought, "there is Lady Galadriel...and probably Elrond."
"Don't forget my Lord Theoden," added Merry.
"Alright, alright," muttered Sam. Turning back to the well-armed children he cried, "I take that back. We swear fealty only to King Aargorn, Lady Galadriel, Lord Elrond and King Theoden. But no more."
"You will claim Aslan as the highest king before this day is out, or I shall send you to meet him," came the cry of Edmund Pevensie. (Now dear reader, this challenge may have been more intimidating had Edmund yet reached the initial stages of puberty. However, since he had not, the Hobbits felt no qualms about crying back--
"Game on, Mother Trucker." (In all honesty, this isn't entirely what they said, but I don't feel comfortable writing what they said where young children or women might read it, so I have loosely paraphrased.)
Edmund unsheathed his sword, swinging it back and forth, while his older brother rubbed his hand against his forehead and muttered a "Bloody Hell" under his breath. Lucy and Susan, the two Pevensie girls, fell back several paces from their brothers. You see, the girls were archers and carried no melee weapons with them since Aslan doesn't like it when girls fight in war...unless they are shooting pieces of wood and steel from a long distance. I think it's supposed to be more feminine or something...
Anyway, as the four Hobbits begin their advance, Susan cocked back an arrow and let it fly, lodging the shaft in Pippin's throat. (Gentle reader, the previous line may sound a tad pornographic in nature, but that is no one's intent except for perhaps yours, you filthy pervert.) Lucy's arrow also landed home, striking poor, dead Pippin in the leg. You see, young Lucy had been thinking of gumdrops and caramels rather than listening as her sister told her to target the one on the left. Had she been listening, she would have severely wounded young Frodo Baggins, and things would have gone far better for the Pevensie children.
Realizing he was in terrible danger, Frodo placed the One ring on his finger and became invisible. Surprised, Lucy and Susan paused a moment before reloading their bows, which gave Merry and Sam a chance to begin a mad rush on Peter and Edmund. The wise little hobbits took great trouble to keep the much taller boys between them and the two female archers, robbing the women of a clear shot. Frodo, meanwhile, used his invisibility to sneak up on the girls and promptly stabbed Susan. At the fall of Susan, Lucy began screeching about her "Dearest sister," but she was quickly silenced by the bite of Sting.
Peter, who was quite easily dealing with Merry and Sam, dispatched Edmund to go check on the girls. It bears mentioning that Edmund could be considered what some might call "tricksie" or at least "crafty" or perhaps "a deceptive little wanker." Either way, Edmund had also seen Frodo disappear, and as he approached the fallen bodies of his recently departed sisters, he was well aware that he now faced an invisible foe. (I do mean faced in a figurative sense, since Edmund would not be able to tell if he was actually facing his foe because he was invisible...the foe, not Edmund.)
As luck would have it, or mayhaps the will of Aslan (long may he reign), this particular battle was taking place on a rather dusty, dirty field. As Edmund kneeled near the corpses of his deceased siblings he sneakily (it's a word) filled his hands with dirt and quickly cast it about him. Now anyone who is familiar with cloaking technology (magical or non-magical in origin) may tell you, when someone is cloaked (invisible) light bends around them. Unfortunately for Frodo, dirt does not. Immediately noticing a patch of earth that seemed to halt in mid-air, Edmund lashed out with his blade, neatly severing Frodo's head from his body.
"Noooooooooo" cried Sam as he launched into a blood rage much like the berserkers of old Norse legend. As his tiny form whirled about in a dervish of blood and metal, he quickly struck down Peter the Great, High King of Narnia. Unfortunately, in his unrestrained lust for vengeance, Sam also happened to strike down Merry, who, honestly, was standing a little too close for his own good in the first place.
As Sam raced forward to strike down Edmund, the young lad grabbed the bow from his fallen sister (Susan, not Lucy) and let fly an arrow that pierced Sam's side. Undaunted, Sam continued his advance, a blood-curdling cry drawing forth from his lips. A second arrow struck his left arm, forcing him to drop his favorite frying pan. (Perhaps I should have noted earlier that Sam preferred to enter battle carrying a sword in one hand and a frying pan in the other. It was actually said frying pan that crushed the tiny skull of young Meriadoc Brandybuck not a full minute earlier.)
With Sam so close now, Edmund was forced to drop the bow and unsheathe his sword once again. While not exceptional fighters, hobbits typically have an advantage in combat since most denizens of Middle Earth have never combated an enemy that barely came up to its middle. Unfortunately, Edmund had fought many a tiny enemy -- from dwarves (whom are shorter in Narnia) to wolves to the nasty badgers of Hedgwick Falls (who weren't that nasty really, but the name had stuck). As Sam drew within Edmund's range, he let forth a devastating over-the-head blow that split the little Hobbit's skull right down the middle.
Victorious on the battlefield, Edmund stared around at the devastation and death that lay about him and muttered a muted but triumphant "Bollocks."
The Winner: The Pevensies
"We swear fealty only to King Aargorn!" piped Sam. Turning to his companions, he asked, "Isn't that right, Master Frodo?"
"Well," Frodo answered as he rolled back his eyes in thought, "there is Lady Galadriel...and probably Elrond."
"Don't forget my Lord Theoden," added Merry.
"Alright, alright," muttered Sam. Turning back to the well-armed children he cried, "I take that back. We swear fealty only to King Aargorn, Lady Galadriel, Lord Elrond and King Theoden. But no more."
"You will claim Aslan as the highest king before this day is out, or I shall send you to meet him," came the cry of Edmund Pevensie. (Now dear reader, this challenge may have been more intimidating had Edmund yet reached the initial stages of puberty. However, since he had not, the Hobbits felt no qualms about crying back--
"Game on, Mother Trucker." (In all honesty, this isn't entirely what they said, but I don't feel comfortable writing what they said where young children or women might read it, so I have loosely paraphrased.)
Edmund unsheathed his sword, swinging it back and forth, while his older brother rubbed his hand against his forehead and muttered a "Bloody Hell" under his breath. Lucy and Susan, the two Pevensie girls, fell back several paces from their brothers. You see, the girls were archers and carried no melee weapons with them since Aslan doesn't like it when girls fight in war...unless they are shooting pieces of wood and steel from a long distance. I think it's supposed to be more feminine or something...
Anyway, as the four Hobbits begin their advance, Susan cocked back an arrow and let it fly, lodging the shaft in Pippin's throat. (Gentle reader, the previous line may sound a tad pornographic in nature, but that is no one's intent except for perhaps yours, you filthy pervert.) Lucy's arrow also landed home, striking poor, dead Pippin in the leg. You see, young Lucy had been thinking of gumdrops and caramels rather than listening as her sister told her to target the one on the left. Had she been listening, she would have severely wounded young Frodo Baggins, and things would have gone far better for the Pevensie children.
Realizing he was in terrible danger, Frodo placed the One ring on his finger and became invisible. Surprised, Lucy and Susan paused a moment before reloading their bows, which gave Merry and Sam a chance to begin a mad rush on Peter and Edmund. The wise little hobbits took great trouble to keep the much taller boys between them and the two female archers, robbing the women of a clear shot. Frodo, meanwhile, used his invisibility to sneak up on the girls and promptly stabbed Susan. At the fall of Susan, Lucy began screeching about her "Dearest sister," but she was quickly silenced by the bite of Sting.
Peter, who was quite easily dealing with Merry and Sam, dispatched Edmund to go check on the girls. It bears mentioning that Edmund could be considered what some might call "tricksie" or at least "crafty" or perhaps "a deceptive little wanker." Either way, Edmund had also seen Frodo disappear, and as he approached the fallen bodies of his recently departed sisters, he was well aware that he now faced an invisible foe. (I do mean faced in a figurative sense, since Edmund would not be able to tell if he was actually facing his foe because he was invisible...the foe, not Edmund.)
As luck would have it, or mayhaps the will of Aslan (long may he reign), this particular battle was taking place on a rather dusty, dirty field. As Edmund kneeled near the corpses of his deceased siblings he sneakily (it's a word) filled his hands with dirt and quickly cast it about him. Now anyone who is familiar with cloaking technology (magical or non-magical in origin) may tell you, when someone is cloaked (invisible) light bends around them. Unfortunately for Frodo, dirt does not. Immediately noticing a patch of earth that seemed to halt in mid-air, Edmund lashed out with his blade, neatly severing Frodo's head from his body.
"Noooooooooo" cried Sam as he launched into a blood rage much like the berserkers of old Norse legend. As his tiny form whirled about in a dervish of blood and metal, he quickly struck down Peter the Great, High King of Narnia. Unfortunately, in his unrestrained lust for vengeance, Sam also happened to strike down Merry, who, honestly, was standing a little too close for his own good in the first place.
As Sam raced forward to strike down Edmund, the young lad grabbed the bow from his fallen sister (Susan, not Lucy) and let fly an arrow that pierced Sam's side. Undaunted, Sam continued his advance, a blood-curdling cry drawing forth from his lips. A second arrow struck his left arm, forcing him to drop his favorite frying pan. (Perhaps I should have noted earlier that Sam preferred to enter battle carrying a sword in one hand and a frying pan in the other. It was actually said frying pan that crushed the tiny skull of young Meriadoc Brandybuck not a full minute earlier.)
With Sam so close now, Edmund was forced to drop the bow and unsheathe his sword once again. While not exceptional fighters, hobbits typically have an advantage in combat since most denizens of Middle Earth have never combated an enemy that barely came up to its middle. Unfortunately, Edmund had fought many a tiny enemy -- from dwarves (whom are shorter in Narnia) to wolves to the nasty badgers of Hedgwick Falls (who weren't that nasty really, but the name had stuck). As Sam drew within Edmund's range, he let forth a devastating over-the-head blow that split the little Hobbit's skull right down the middle.
Victorious on the battlefield, Edmund stared around at the devastation and death that lay about him and muttered a muted but triumphant "Bollocks."
The Winner: The Pevensies
The Chronicles of Narnia vs. The Lord of the Rings...in a no-holds-barred cage match
I've taken off the second half of this week to burn through some of the excessive vacation that my employer gives me (I am by no means complaining). Yesterday, I finally had the chance to sit down and watch all three of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy back-to-back-to-back. If you're interested in doing this as well, it takes about 11.5 hours with minimal breaks (I'm talking about taking the time to pee in between disks, not the time to cook a meal).
I've also been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia; though it might be better to say I've been devouring them. In the past week, I've read through the first four - typically finishing each novel within 24 hours of starting it. I'm also halfway through the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Anyway, since I've been infusing massive amounts of Inkling-based fantasy, I figured now would be as good a time as any to compare the two bodies of work. (For any who might be concerned that I am basing my assessment of Tolkien's craft solely on the movies, rest assured that I have indeed read nearly everything Tolkien wrote about Middle Earth, not just the four main titles.)
It's difficult for me to say which body of work I prefer. I can handily say that I am more familiar with the Chronicles, having read them several times since childhood, while I have only read through the Lord of the Rings twice (once as an adolescent and once as an adult). But familiarity does not necessarily imply preference.
The Chronicles offer a rosier view of a fantastic world, almost making things how we'd want them to be. A world full of nobility and mercy. A land of wonder and awe that surprises us with beauty again and again. Middle Earth, on the other hand is a much darker yet more real realm. Victory is purchased by spilling the blood of another. Suffering is all too common, and redemption is found at the end of a trying, painful journey. Rather than simply relying on an Aslan-ex-machina to save the day, Middle Earthers must agonize and toil long after hope has abandoned them. This structure, of course, leads to a richer, more complex story, but it does not instill the sense of marvel and awe that the Chronicles offer.
In all honesty, I think I read through these sets in the appropriate order. The Chronicles are ideal for younger children. They fuel the imagination. They make you believe that life is a glorious thing and that every moment should be treasured. Joy can be found around the next bend, over the next hill.
The Lord or the Rings trilogy, however, works better for young adults. They offer a much more complex storyline that isn't always the easiest to follow (and I'm not just saying that because I repeatedly confused Sauron and Saruman the first time I read through them...ok, maybe I am). They remind us constantly that nothing is free and that anything great usually comes at a terrible price.
Honestly, to determine which one is better, you really have to decide what you're looking for. Do you want an intelligent, compelling story...or are do you want something that will capture your imagination and instill a sense of wonder?
Perhaps it is simply a sense of nostalgia. Maybe at this moment in my life I'm just looking for something that will offer me a sense of hope. Maybe I need to believe that redemption can be easily gained. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm really happy to be reading some fast-moving, simple novels after just completing the Frank Herbert Dune saga last week. Whatever the reason, I heretofore decide...
The Winner: The Chronicles of Narnia
I've also been rereading the Chronicles of Narnia; though it might be better to say I've been devouring them. In the past week, I've read through the first four - typically finishing each novel within 24 hours of starting it. I'm also halfway through the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Anyway, since I've been infusing massive amounts of Inkling-based fantasy, I figured now would be as good a time as any to compare the two bodies of work. (For any who might be concerned that I am basing my assessment of Tolkien's craft solely on the movies, rest assured that I have indeed read nearly everything Tolkien wrote about Middle Earth, not just the four main titles.)
It's difficult for me to say which body of work I prefer. I can handily say that I am more familiar with the Chronicles, having read them several times since childhood, while I have only read through the Lord of the Rings twice (once as an adolescent and once as an adult). But familiarity does not necessarily imply preference.
The Chronicles offer a rosier view of a fantastic world, almost making things how we'd want them to be. A world full of nobility and mercy. A land of wonder and awe that surprises us with beauty again and again. Middle Earth, on the other hand is a much darker yet more real realm. Victory is purchased by spilling the blood of another. Suffering is all too common, and redemption is found at the end of a trying, painful journey. Rather than simply relying on an Aslan-ex-machina to save the day, Middle Earthers must agonize and toil long after hope has abandoned them. This structure, of course, leads to a richer, more complex story, but it does not instill the sense of marvel and awe that the Chronicles offer.
In all honesty, I think I read through these sets in the appropriate order. The Chronicles are ideal for younger children. They fuel the imagination. They make you believe that life is a glorious thing and that every moment should be treasured. Joy can be found around the next bend, over the next hill.
The Lord or the Rings trilogy, however, works better for young adults. They offer a much more complex storyline that isn't always the easiest to follow (and I'm not just saying that because I repeatedly confused Sauron and Saruman the first time I read through them...ok, maybe I am). They remind us constantly that nothing is free and that anything great usually comes at a terrible price.
Honestly, to determine which one is better, you really have to decide what you're looking for. Do you want an intelligent, compelling story...or are do you want something that will capture your imagination and instill a sense of wonder?
Perhaps it is simply a sense of nostalgia. Maybe at this moment in my life I'm just looking for something that will offer me a sense of hope. Maybe I need to believe that redemption can be easily gained. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm really happy to be reading some fast-moving, simple novels after just completing the Frank Herbert Dune saga last week. Whatever the reason, I heretofore decide...
The Winner: The Chronicles of Narnia
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Best chase scenes
I've been off for the past couple of days, and I've been watching a bunch of DVDs. A couple of these featured some really good chase scenes, which got me trying to decide on my top 10 favorite ones. So here they are.
10. Striking Distance - Honestly the only reason this one made the list is because I get a huge kick out of watching the light bars bouncing around on the tops of the cop cars as they go bounding down the road.
9. The Transporter - A movie about a professional "wheel man." I'm going to go out on a limb and say there were some good scenes in this one.
8. The Italian Job - Three words: Minis, minis, minis.
7. The Bourne Identity - A movie for anyone that's wanted to careen down the narrow streets of a small European village...and has.
6.Return of the Jedi - Who didn't want a speederbike when they saw that movie?
5. The Rock - A movie for anyone that's wanted to drive a Mercedes through a plate glass window...and then derail a street car.
4. Ronin - Driving on the wrong side of the road for fun and profit.
3. Bad Boys II - High end sports car + (A car transporting semi x Villainous Haitians) = Fun for the whole family.
2. Matrix Reloaded - This one probably scored so high because of the fight scenes that are interspersed throughout the chase. I loved the in-car fighting between Morpheus, Trinity and one of Albinos. Of course, ending the scene with two semis slamming into each other at full speed didn't hurt either.
1. Batman Begins - A car chase on rooftops. Does it get any better than this? No. It doesn't.
10. Striking Distance - Honestly the only reason this one made the list is because I get a huge kick out of watching the light bars bouncing around on the tops of the cop cars as they go bounding down the road.
9. The Transporter - A movie about a professional "wheel man." I'm going to go out on a limb and say there were some good scenes in this one.
8. The Italian Job - Three words: Minis, minis, minis.
7. The Bourne Identity - A movie for anyone that's wanted to careen down the narrow streets of a small European village...and has.
6.Return of the Jedi - Who didn't want a speederbike when they saw that movie?
5. The Rock - A movie for anyone that's wanted to drive a Mercedes through a plate glass window...and then derail a street car.
4. Ronin - Driving on the wrong side of the road for fun and profit.
3. Bad Boys II - High end sports car + (A car transporting semi x Villainous Haitians) = Fun for the whole family.
2. Matrix Reloaded - This one probably scored so high because of the fight scenes that are interspersed throughout the chase. I loved the in-car fighting between Morpheus, Trinity and one of Albinos. Of course, ending the scene with two semis slamming into each other at full speed didn't hurt either.
1. Batman Begins - A car chase on rooftops. Does it get any better than this? No. It doesn't.
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