The Harvest

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to have my appendix removed. As this was my first foray under the knife, I was surprised at my lack of apprehension. However, I do have to admit that there were a couple of news articles that I had read in the past few weeks that were milling about the nether regions of my consciousness. (Note: The nether regions can be found to the left of the german regions and immediately above the belgian regions.)

I do not think it necessary to transcribe the entire articles, since their titles offer a fair summary of their contents. The two news items that gave me pause were:

Monitors Don't Stop 30,000 Americans From Waking During Surgery Each Year

and

Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

Based on these articles, I think I should have probably been a little more concerned.


As a side note, I just wanted to point out an advertisement that I saw next to the "anus" article. It...it gave me pause.

Hmmm...I now wonder if my vagina was depressed and there was nothing wrong with my appendix...

The Mile High City Just Joined the Mile High Club

In the local cable television market, there have been a number of advertisements for a new night club that is intended to cater to a more "refined" crowd. Featuring the same background music as the "I'm a Mac, and I'm a PC" spots (or the even cooler "I'm a Marvel, and I'm a DC" spots), these commercials primarily focus on contrast. The crux of these ads is to differentiate between the shallow, obnoxious clientele that can be found in most of the city's night life and the "refined" patrons of this new club.

Now, I can't say in particular why I decided to check out the Web site for this "refined" establishment - if I recall, I was merely curious to find out how far from downtown this un-downtown-like club was...the answer being not very. However, while browsing this site, I ran across some very interesting information about the "refinement" of this club.

This highly cultivated speakeasy prides itself on its "cocktail chefs" who are experts in the "art of the Cocktail." And the location boasts to being "second to none in Denver for socializing, entertaining, schmoozing, or just watching a game with your close friends." The establishment is, in fact, so "refined" that it features a strict dress code that ensures I will never be allowed to enter unless someone else has dressed me.

Now I know what you're thinking - it's the same thing I was thinking - this sounds like a really classy place. (I mean, if I was going to have another Sweet 16 party, I would totally host it there.) But imagine my surprise when I finally read the most "refining" aspect of this club that has been so well "refined" (I sure seem to be using that word a lot). I offer you the following:

"We cater to couples on Saturday. The mass majority of those couples tend to be Denver swingers or couples that have an open mind and are looking to meet other couples who are at least curious about aspects of the Denver "lifestyle". This does not mean that everyone who attends is looking to have sex with other couples! While most of the couples that attend have had experiences with other couples or single women, many couples just come to enjoy the fun atmosphere we provide and encourage. It's sexy, fun, very classy and tasteful. If you’re curious about the Denver lifestyle or Denver swinger scene, Sugar House is the perfect place to explore those curiosities. Each weekend we see new couples coming in who are merely curious or interested to see what the Denver swinger scene is all about."

Apparently "refined" is a code word for having lots of freaky sex, and apparently the "Denver lifestyle" means having a tasteful threeway...or fourway...which could explain why so many Californians have moved here. (They like the freaky sex... not that there's anything wrong with that...in fact, I hope that when I die, it's while I'm refining my Denver lifestyle - if you know what I mean....I mean that I want to die while I'm having lots of freaky sex...with supermodels...plural).

UPDATE: Just thought of the phrase "tasteful threeway" and couldn't let it go to waste.

Steve Jobs, I want you inside me...meaning I want to channel your presentation skills...what did you think I meant?...pervert

While I am a professional writer, a wordsmythe if you will, I do on frequent occasion have to host meetings and even give presentations. In fact, most of the writers I work with also find it necessary to present (typically presentations as well), so a colleague forwarded this article around the office. Now, this article (from a professional business magazine no less) could be summarized - "Steve Jobs is the world's bestest presenter ever, and we should all want to really, really be like him a lot because he is so awesome and handsome and smart."

To say, as a coworker of mine did, that this reporter was "gushing" would be a severe understatement. The arterial spray in Kill Bill is "gushing." The oil in There Will Be Blood is "gushing." (Oddly enough the blood in There Will Be Blood only kind of pooled). This article involved a much higher fluid release to time ratio than mere gushing. This was, in my humble opinion, a poorly veiled love letter to Steve Jobs.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am a writer, and as a writer, I just happen to know a few editors. And these editors know other editors who happen to know other editors who may or may not have been able to get me an early draft of this article, which now follows:

Deliver a Presentation like Steve Jobs, the man I LOVE with all My Heart

1. Set the tone. Hi Steve, I know that the judge told me to stop calling you and that I'm not allowed to go on your property anymore. But I need to talk to you, so I'm writing you this letter. I know that you didn't mean all of those terrible things that your lawyer made you say about me, and I just want you to know that I'm not upset with you.

2. Demonstrate enthusiasm. I really hope that we can work this out because we would be good together. You know it, and I know it. We would be such a great team! I just care about you so much, and I would never let anyone hurt you or take you away from me!

3. Provide an outline. If you would just meet me like I've been asking, I know that we could make this work. It would just be dinner at the Olive Garden and maybe drinks afterwards. We could do it this Thursday. I know that your daughter's soccer game was cancelled, and your babysitter is free - I checked for you.

4. Make numbers meaningful. I've thought about how much I love you 400 million times since the iPhone was launched. That's 20,000 times a day, on average.

5. Try for an unforgettable moment. Why do you make me like this? Why? All I want to do is love you, and you always push me away. It makes me crazy. You can be a real bitch sometimes.

6. Create visual slides. I'll [censored]* your [censored] [censored] [censored] and then you can [censored] [censored] [censored] all over my [censored]. Then I'll take my finger and [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] with a crowbar.

7. Give ’em a show. WHORE! YOU WHORE! I WILL KILL YOU, YOU F@CKING WHORE!

8. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I'm sorry, Baby. I'm so sorry, but you make me so crazy sometimes. You know I love you, right? It's ok. It's ok. We'll make it work. You still love me, right?

9. Sell the benefit. We'd be so good together. I'd take care of you. We could grow old together, just the two of us. And if you got sick, I would make you chicken soup and kiss your forehead when you had a fever. Face it, Steve. Nobody knows you like I do, and nobody could ever love you like I do.

10. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. I'm guessing that you just haven't got my other letters because the post office is so slow. I bet if you were in charge of them, everything would get done so much faster. Hee-hee. Anyway, I'll just assume that you want to do that Olive Garden thing this Thursday, so I'll pick you up at your place. I know you moved, but don't worry, I have your new address.

With all my love,
Carmine Gallo

*Edited by Venting Plasma

Don't. You'll be de-rezzed.

There have been some, shall we say "changes," at my employer recently, so I now have a new boss. This new boss happens to have a, shall we say "relationship," with one of my former supervisors...let's call him "Lumbergh." Anyway, after a classy e-mail from my new boss saying that she was pleased to have me on her team, "Lumbergh" chose to respond with this:

"Warning: I never wanted to burden you with my problems, but Josh is actually criminally insane and has had a contract out of my life for years. You can expect similar treatment as his new manager. Fortunately, the contract is placed with a comic book hit man, so until "The Deathhammer" figures out how to make the transition from animation to tangible being, we're both safe."

I felt the need to reply:

"You've apparently never seen Tron...Don't worry, when my alliance with the Master Control Program is finalized, you'll be the first to tremble before the power of digitization."

Needless to say, I'm expecting new "changes" from my boss in the near future.

A Call to Arms

While I have covered a broad range of subjects with this blog, I have rarely commented upon the political arena. However, I find the need to speak out now. I am not attempting to sway anyone's personal opinion. I believe that one's political beliefs are a matter that should be determined by the individual...that is assuming that the individual is basing their decisions upon the Holy Scriptures and has engaged in the necessary amount of preliminary prayer and fasting...and I'm not talking about that half-day fasting crap that the Muslims do during Ramadan...and by praying I mean to the one true God and not to some false one.

No, my intent is not to persuade, but only to make an observation. As you all may well know, we are in the midst of presidential primaries, so all manner of candidates have been vying for our attention and affection over the past few months. As time has passed, these candidates have dwindled, with John McCain becoming the frontrunner for the Republican nomination and the Democratic nomination narrowing down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Now, I may not be a political pundit, but I've been known to watch Fox News and MSNBC (especially when they're running a marathon of "To Catch a Predator" episodes), so I think that I'm fairly savvy when it comes to the political landscape. Imagine my surprise, then, when I stumbled upon an interesting news item that the major news organizations are ignoring.

It all started when a coworker showed me this story. To summarize the article was discussing a new 527 organization that is dedicated to "educat[ing] the American public about what Hillary Clinton is."




Now, I may not be a rocket surgeon, but I did get an A+ in my college Logic class, so let me drop some knowledge on you. Let's first start with the question, "What is Hillary Clinton?" Well, the obvious answer is "a U.S. Senator trying to obtain the presidential nomination for the Democratic party." So essentially this organization was founded to tell people that Hillary Clinton is a U.S. Senator trying to obtain the presidential nomination for the Democratic party. Assuming that this organization was founded to actually serve a purpose, then it stands to reason that there are people out there who do not know that Hillary Clinton is a U.S. Senator trying to obtain the presidential nomination for the Democratic party.

All in all, this does not bode well for Mrs. Clinton. She's been the wife of a U.S. President. She's a high-profile U.S. Senator that isn't from some worthless fly-over state. She has had her name in the running from the beginning, and yet, she still is an unknown.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm endorsing her as a candidate, but this blog will go so far as to say that if Mrs. Clinton is going to get her shot at the White House, her supporters really need to get the word out about what she is. So I would suggest that they consider contributing to this organization...maybe even by one of their t-shirts.

I'm just saying.