What I'm Thankful For

While there are many things for which I am thankful - family, friends, living in the United States of Freedom - I believe that I am most thankful that hippies are so incompetent. I could almost pity them if it weren't for the bile that rises in my throat every time I hear one of their THC-ladened voices.

A "Global Orgasm for Peace"? Really? That's what you've come up with? Man, that's really going to change things. (And by change things, I mean increase the stock value for the manufacturers of Kleenex and various brands of laundry detergents.)

I just pray that none of these orgasms result in conception...

A recent MySpace comment exchange

I've been particularly busy (and simultaneously lazy) this past month and really haven't posted anything. To make up for some of this vacuum, I feel the need to share with my readers a brief comment exchange I had via MySpace a couple of weeks back.

Lily - do you think it should have been a rule of wrist?

(Note: This is a reference to one of the opening scenes in Boondock Saints. In this scene one of the leading characters (St. Boon, I believe) is on the receiving end of a diatribe from a rather manly lesbian womyn (i.e. "bull dyke") about the misogynist origins of the phrase "rule of thumb" - those origins being that a man could beat his wife with a stick as long as he used one no thicker than his thumb. The leading character (on second thought, I believe it was St. Dock) comments that one really couldn't do much damage with a stick that thin and proposes that it should have been a "rule of wrist." The womyn does not weather this response well and all manner of violent hilarity ensues.)

(Second Note: This was a rather random comment to have posted on one's MySpace page - a communication style fairly typical of this particular female. Of course, as soon as I point out the randomness of said actions, I am told that I am both "mean" and/or a "jerk.")

Josh - Unfortunately, I may not be the ideal person to ask this question for I do not advocate the beating of women – the shaking and choking of, most certainly. But beating? Heaven forbid!

That being said, I feel that a rule of wrist would be far too arbitrary and difficult to enforce. Are we talking about a beefy, rotund (fat) wrist such as mine, or are we talking about the waifish, track-marked wrist of Keith Richards.

I believe that I would reject any standard based on a measurement of human anatomy...unless, of course, we’re talking baby necks, which I have found by my experiments to be fairly uniform.

Yes, I believe I would support a “rule of baby necks.”

A Vendetta, Held as a Votive, Not in Vain

As my previous post indicated, today is the fifth of November - Guy Fawkes night. For quite some time, this day had no importance to me; however, in the past handful of years, it has taken on special significance thanks to Alan Moore's work, V for Vendetta. As this day is tied to several key plot points, I feel the need to celebrate it in a fashion befitting the fictional work that has so captured my fascination.

After pondering how to accomplish this feat for some time, I remembered this VG Cats comic strip and inspiration struck. There is a scene in the film adaptation of the work that features a particular alliterative soliloquy that V uses "to suggest the character of [his] dramatis personae." Deciding to follow in these footsteps, I offer similar fair:

J’accuse!

Je suis, a jovial jack-of-no-trades, juxtaposed as both judge and jury by the jugglings of Fate. This jester, no mere jackass of jocularity, is a jetsam of the corpus juris, now jaded, jaundiced. However, this judicious junket of a by-gone jibe, stands at a junction, and has journeyed to jettison these jingoist and jackbooted jackals jockeying jobbery and joisting these jeering jezebels and the jiffy jailing of joy.

The only judgement is justice; a jihad, held as a jingle, not in jest, for the journeying and jonesing of such shall one day jubilate the jurisprudent and the just. Jiminy christmas, this juggernaut of jargon jaunts most jabbersome so let me simply add that I am jolly well pleased to meet you, and you may call me J.


(Author's note: If you hadn't picked up on this yet, my name is Josh)

Sweet jeebus, this was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, starting out.

Now, I admit that this is nowhere near as eloquent as the original, but I worked with what I had. There aren't as many "j" words as you might think, and they all don't make the same "juh" sound. Also, my hands were a little tied since I was trying to keep to the same structure as the original. Had I been fomenting my own speech about what I stand for (assuming I ever decide to stand for something), then I probably would be able to pull off something a little more classy.

Anyway, here's the text from the original, so you can compare it if you feel so inclined:

Voilà!

In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you, and you may call me V.

It's Midnight in London

Remember, remember the fifth of November,

The gunpowder, treason, and plot

I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot