Doing a nickel out in Broomfield

Today commemorates my five-year anniversary with my current company. Among the festivities for today I will be treated to a free lunch at Wahoo's Fish Tacos. As further boon, an e-mail proclaiming my longevity was sent out to the entire company, inviting good tidings and well-wishings to clog the arteries of my inbox. Among the exchanges was this gem from a colleague:

"Yay! You finally get your pension!! No need to worry about getting fired now, right?! Congrats!"

My reply:

"Indeed. My non-stop campaign of sexual harassment and racial slurs shall commence shortly."

Finding my motivation

Since a crucial component of bloggery seems to be informing others of cool things you find on das Interweb, I would like to bring to your attention this site. Here, one may create personalized motivational posters - posters akin to those that one would typically find in an office environment.

While the service encourages you to purchase prints of your genius, much enjoyment may derived from the simple act of creation rather than acquisition. Of course, if I create something of sufficient wit, I will undoubtedly purchase it and probably hang it upon my mantle or barring the lack of a mantle around my neck. But until that happens, I figured I would post my efforts for the enjoyment of all...






I have a feeling that this will not be the last of these...

A Reflection on Terror

Mayhaps you have heard of the recent hullabaloo, but in case you hadn’t, I shall summarize. Recently, one of the bloggers on the New York Times Web site engaged in a discussion on terrorism – specifically, potential terror attacks. After briefly analyzing the uselessness of the TSA, the author began to speculate on how he would act were he a terrorist, indicating that the government’s current efforts would be unable to stop him or by extension any truly motivated terrorist. The author then invited his readers to add their suggestions at terrorist attacks, stating:

"I’m sure many readers have far better ideas. I would love to hear them. Consider that posting them could be a form of public service: I presume that a lot more folks who oppose and fight terror read this blog than actual terrorists. So by getting these ideas out in the open, it gives terror fighters a chance to consider and plan for these scenarios before they occur."

I have decided to accept this challenge. Over the past few days, I have focused my thoughts upon determining the most terrifying and morale-crippling actions that terrorists could take. In the same spirit as Messieur Levitt, I shall now post them for worldwide comment:

• Fire a baby cannon at the White House (Note: a baby cannon operates the same as a normal cannon, only using babies for ammunition)
• Found a hippie commune
• Sabotage the Hersheys manufacturing facility so that it can only produce white chocolate
• Have European women streak a national sporting event (they don’t shave their parts)
• Stampede a head of cattle through downtown Detroit
• Fire a baby catapult at the White House (Note: like a baby cannon, a baby catapult operates under the same principles as a catapult only using babies for ammunition)
• Make alarmist documentary about global warming
• Assassinate David Eick and Ronald D. Moore before they can finish Battlestar Galactica
• Bring back New Coke
• Cripple the U.S. economy by burning every dollar that they earn
• Build a fully operational Death Star
• Vote for someone in the Green Party
• Elect a woman president (Oh no he didn’t)
• Build a baby trebauchet (I think you’ve caught on to the principle at this point)
• Beat a dead horse
• Make out with Natalie Portman (Note: While this may not inspire terror, this item seems to show up on every to do list I make).

Exchanging office e-mail

E-mail from office receptionist to company:

Refrigerator cleanout tomorrow (Friday) at 2 pm. If you have something that you don't want thrown away, please take it to your desk. I will be throwing everything out.

I subsequently forwarded the e-mail to a coworker (Erik) with the following note:

Could I get your help carrying a bod--er, I mean about 120 lbs of...um...frozen dinners...yeah...down to my car from the freezers tonight?