Spider-Man 3...more like Spider-Crap 3

Admittedly, it has been a couple of weeks since I’ve seen Spider-Man 3, but it has taken me a while to digest the film and determine why it was the worst movie in human history. “But, Josh,” you’ll say, “it wasn’t that bad. Sure it was the weakest of the trilogy, but it was still pretty good. The birth of Sandman scene was amazing, and Venom looked truly badass. And you know what, even when the script had some cringe-worthy dialogue, the actors pulled it off. It wasn’t ‘great,’ but it still was ‘good.’”

And my response to you would simply be, “Shut your retarded face before I beat you to death with my red stapler.”

As I was saying, I’ve been considering why the movie was so terrible, and I think that I’ve narrowed it down to a handful of critical flaws:

1. The coincidences. I mean, seriously, we’re to believe that Eddie Brock just so happens to be in the church where Peter is shedding his black costume. How ridiculous. What are the odds of that happening?

And honestly, how plausible was it that he even found the black costume in the first place. A meteor falls out of the sky, and it just so happens to land near him. They should have gone with the original comics storyline.

2. The continuity errors. I think we all remember that Eddie Brock was mentioned in the first movie, but in this one, he says that he was hired last week. Now I know you’re going to point out that they only mention an “Eddie” in the first movie and never say that its Brock, but come on. How many people in New York can be named Eddie and work in the newspaper industry?

3. There wasn’t enough plot in the epic fight scene at the end of the movie. They really should have covered some emotional ground at the same time. Maybe use it to explore what makes Venom tick or show Harry dealing with his father issues. Instead we just get a fight between two spider-themed ubermensches, a dude on a flying snowboard and a sand giant. Whoopedy-fracking-doo.

4. Why did Aunt May have to be all preachy all the time. I mean she was always going on and on about marriage this and revenge that. Old people never talk about those things; they only talk about denture cream and constipation. I’m just saying, why didn’t they make her younger, and hot? They should have got Jessica Biel to play her, and she could have been like a private detective that goes undercover as a lifeguard and helps Spidey save the day.

They should have at least made here more active and less talky.

5. Where the frack was Bruce Campbell’s chainsaw arm? We all know he has one. Why wasn’t he using it?

6. Why the hell did they pick the Sandman? and Venom for that matter? They should have picked a cooler pair of villains, like the Grizzly and the Gibbon. That would have been awesome.

7. And speaking of critical flaws, who really needs intersecting stories about two men being faced with the decision to forgive the person that they each believed had murdered their father/father figure. What kind of plotline is that? They should have based the story on this awesome fanfic that I wrote back in 7th grade. The Grizzly takes over my high school and Spider-Man shows up to stop him. And while they’re fighting each other, he gets the upper hand on Spidey, but I distract him, and Spidey beats him up. And then Spidey and I become best friends and we all eat ice cream and my step-dad stops beating me.