The Pevensies vs. The Hobbits

(I am going to gauge this combat based on each of the groups' later incarnations, at a time when they were battle-hardened and actually "dangerous." If this contest were to take place at the beginning of each set of novels, my guess is that it would be filled with introductions and "how do you do's," ultimately concluding with a grand tea party and discussions of the weather. Then again, perhaps that would have been more interesting...)

"We swear fealty only to King Aargorn!" piped Sam. Turning to his companions, he asked, "Isn't that right, Master Frodo?"

"Well," Frodo answered as he rolled back his eyes in thought, "there is Lady Galadriel...and probably Elrond."

"Don't forget my Lord Theoden," added Merry.

"Alright, alright," muttered Sam. Turning back to the well-armed children he cried, "I take that back. We swear fealty only to King Aargorn, Lady Galadriel, Lord Elrond and King Theoden. But no more."

"You will claim Aslan as the highest king before this day is out, or I shall send you to meet him," came the cry of Edmund Pevensie. (Now dear reader, this challenge may have been more intimidating had Edmund yet reached the initial stages of puberty. However, since he had not, the Hobbits felt no qualms about crying back--

"Game on, Mother Trucker." (In all honesty, this isn't entirely what they said, but I don't feel comfortable writing what they said where young children or women might read it, so I have loosely paraphrased.)

Edmund unsheathed his sword, swinging it back and forth, while his older brother rubbed his hand against his forehead and muttered a "Bloody Hell" under his breath. Lucy and Susan, the two Pevensie girls, fell back several paces from their brothers. You see, the girls were archers and carried no melee weapons with them since Aslan doesn't like it when girls fight in war...unless they are shooting pieces of wood and steel from a long distance. I think it's supposed to be more feminine or something...

Anyway, as the four Hobbits begin their advance, Susan cocked back an arrow and let it fly, lodging the shaft in Pippin's throat. (Gentle reader, the previous line may sound a tad pornographic in nature, but that is no one's intent except for perhaps yours, you filthy pervert.) Lucy's arrow also landed home, striking poor, dead Pippin in the leg. You see, young Lucy had been thinking of gumdrops and caramels rather than listening as her sister told her to target the one on the left. Had she been listening, she would have severely wounded young Frodo Baggins, and things would have gone far better for the Pevensie children.

Realizing he was in terrible danger, Frodo placed the One ring on his finger and became invisible. Surprised, Lucy and Susan paused a moment before reloading their bows, which gave Merry and Sam a chance to begin a mad rush on Peter and Edmund. The wise little hobbits took great trouble to keep the much taller boys between them and the two female archers, robbing the women of a clear shot. Frodo, meanwhile, used his invisibility to sneak up on the girls and promptly stabbed Susan. At the fall of Susan, Lucy began screeching about her "Dearest sister," but she was quickly silenced by the bite of Sting.

Peter, who was quite easily dealing with Merry and Sam, dispatched Edmund to go check on the girls. It bears mentioning that Edmund could be considered what some might call "tricksie" or at least "crafty" or perhaps "a deceptive little wanker." Either way, Edmund had also seen Frodo disappear, and as he approached the fallen bodies of his recently departed sisters, he was well aware that he now faced an invisible foe. (I do mean faced in a figurative sense, since Edmund would not be able to tell if he was actually facing his foe because he was invisible...the foe, not Edmund.)

As luck would have it, or mayhaps the will of Aslan (long may he reign), this particular battle was taking place on a rather dusty, dirty field. As Edmund kneeled near the corpses of his deceased siblings he sneakily (it's a word) filled his hands with dirt and quickly cast it about him. Now anyone who is familiar with cloaking technology (magical or non-magical in origin) may tell you, when someone is cloaked (invisible) light bends around them. Unfortunately for Frodo, dirt does not. Immediately noticing a patch of earth that seemed to halt in mid-air, Edmund lashed out with his blade, neatly severing Frodo's head from his body.

"Noooooooooo" cried Sam as he launched into a blood rage much like the berserkers of old Norse legend. As his tiny form whirled about in a dervish of blood and metal, he quickly struck down Peter the Great, High King of Narnia. Unfortunately, in his unrestrained lust for vengeance, Sam also happened to strike down Merry, who, honestly, was standing a little too close for his own good in the first place.

As Sam raced forward to strike down Edmund, the young lad grabbed the bow from his fallen sister (Susan, not Lucy) and let fly an arrow that pierced Sam's side. Undaunted, Sam continued his advance, a blood-curdling cry drawing forth from his lips. A second arrow struck his left arm, forcing him to drop his favorite frying pan. (Perhaps I should have noted earlier that Sam preferred to enter battle carrying a sword in one hand and a frying pan in the other. It was actually said frying pan that crushed the tiny skull of young Meriadoc Brandybuck not a full minute earlier.)

With Sam so close now, Edmund was forced to drop the bow and unsheathe his sword once again. While not exceptional fighters, hobbits typically have an advantage in combat since most denizens of Middle Earth have never combated an enemy that barely came up to its middle. Unfortunately, Edmund had fought many a tiny enemy -- from dwarves (whom are shorter in Narnia) to wolves to the nasty badgers of Hedgwick Falls (who weren't that nasty really, but the name had stuck). As Sam drew within Edmund's range, he let forth a devastating over-the-head blow that split the little Hobbit's skull right down the middle.

Victorious on the battlefield, Edmund stared around at the devastation and death that lay about him and muttered a muted but triumphant "Bollocks."

The Winner: The Pevensies