Steve Jobs, I want you inside me...meaning I want to channel your presentation skills...what did you think I meant?...pervert

While I am a professional writer, a wordsmythe if you will, I do on frequent occasion have to host meetings and even give presentations. In fact, most of the writers I work with also find it necessary to present (typically presentations as well), so a colleague forwarded this article around the office. Now, this article (from a professional business magazine no less) could be summarized - "Steve Jobs is the world's bestest presenter ever, and we should all want to really, really be like him a lot because he is so awesome and handsome and smart."

To say, as a coworker of mine did, that this reporter was "gushing" would be a severe understatement. The arterial spray in Kill Bill is "gushing." The oil in There Will Be Blood is "gushing." (Oddly enough the blood in There Will Be Blood only kind of pooled). This article involved a much higher fluid release to time ratio than mere gushing. This was, in my humble opinion, a poorly veiled love letter to Steve Jobs.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am a writer, and as a writer, I just happen to know a few editors. And these editors know other editors who happen to know other editors who may or may not have been able to get me an early draft of this article, which now follows:

Deliver a Presentation like Steve Jobs, the man I LOVE with all My Heart

1. Set the tone. Hi Steve, I know that the judge told me to stop calling you and that I'm not allowed to go on your property anymore. But I need to talk to you, so I'm writing you this letter. I know that you didn't mean all of those terrible things that your lawyer made you say about me, and I just want you to know that I'm not upset with you.

2. Demonstrate enthusiasm. I really hope that we can work this out because we would be good together. You know it, and I know it. We would be such a great team! I just care about you so much, and I would never let anyone hurt you or take you away from me!

3. Provide an outline. If you would just meet me like I've been asking, I know that we could make this work. It would just be dinner at the Olive Garden and maybe drinks afterwards. We could do it this Thursday. I know that your daughter's soccer game was cancelled, and your babysitter is free - I checked for you.

4. Make numbers meaningful. I've thought about how much I love you 400 million times since the iPhone was launched. That's 20,000 times a day, on average.

5. Try for an unforgettable moment. Why do you make me like this? Why? All I want to do is love you, and you always push me away. It makes me crazy. You can be a real bitch sometimes.

6. Create visual slides. I'll [censored]* your [censored] [censored] [censored] and then you can [censored] [censored] [censored] all over my [censored]. Then I'll take my finger and [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] with a crowbar.

7. Give ’em a show. WHORE! YOU WHORE! I WILL KILL YOU, YOU F@CKING WHORE!

8. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I'm sorry, Baby. I'm so sorry, but you make me so crazy sometimes. You know I love you, right? It's ok. It's ok. We'll make it work. You still love me, right?

9. Sell the benefit. We'd be so good together. I'd take care of you. We could grow old together, just the two of us. And if you got sick, I would make you chicken soup and kiss your forehead when you had a fever. Face it, Steve. Nobody knows you like I do, and nobody could ever love you like I do.

10. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. I'm guessing that you just haven't got my other letters because the post office is so slow. I bet if you were in charge of them, everything would get done so much faster. Hee-hee. Anyway, I'll just assume that you want to do that Olive Garden thing this Thursday, so I'll pick you up at your place. I know you moved, but don't worry, I have your new address.

With all my love,
Carmine Gallo

*Edited by Venting Plasma