An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling - Author of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Blasphemous Sacrilege

Madame Rowling,

Reticent as I am to interact with anyone involved with the den of iniquity known as the "entertainment industry," I find that I can remain silent no longer. In the past month, I have had the opportunity to not once, but twice view the recently released film based on your novel, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. May I be the first to say - How dare you!

How dare you and your ilk invade my nation with your filth and propaganda. How dare you sully this land's soil with your lies and pornography. How dare you profit from damning the souls of children and household pets. Your work is a travesty and an insult to all that is good and pure in America.

While I was admittedly surprised at the lack of bestiality, demon worship and human sacrifice that I expected from the film, I still felt an evil presence hovering about me as I entered the theater. A damp blast of air pulsed on the back of my neck during the entire movie - doubtless a minion of the dark lord seeking to penetrate my spine to gain access to my soul. My ample waist felt pressure on either side of me - as if some unseen force had taken two planks of wood or coated plastic and forced them to pinch me on either side. And when I tried to leave the theater in the middle of the film, a sticky, unworldly substance attempted to pin my feet in place. Oh, it gave off a saccharine-sweet aroma, but I recognized it for the demonic bile it was.

As if this assault was not enough, the content of your "masterpiece" was even more disturbing. Let us take a moment to examine one of the key themes in your work - magic. Poppycock is more like it, but let us use your term for the benefits of clarity. It is obvious that you encourage children to believe in this unseen yet all-powerful force that operates beyond human comprehension to affect our lives. Moreover, you encourage children to engage in daily exercises to strengthen and hone their ability to commune with this power. The gall you have, Madame. To take young minds and pollute them with this drivel is unforgivable. How you can sleep at night is beyond me. Matters are only made worse when you make it clear that the level of one's belief in this unseen power (placing one's "faith" in it, if you will) will result in improvements to one's life, station and character. How absurd. I will pray for your sanity.

To prove the evil of your works, Madame, I need only point out how quickly children are seduced into mimicking young Mr. Potter and his cronies. As I sat there, watching your filth on the silver screen (now sullied to a dull brass, or perhaps tungsten) I noted that the children of your dastardly Hogwart's magic school were all dressed in black robes. This unique wardrobe choice reminded me of last May when I attended my nephew's graduation from kindergarten. All 17 children in his graduating class had chosen to don a black, flowing robe over their dress clothes. At the time, I thought the children were merely performing some type of political commentary regarding the U.S. Supreme Court, but now I know the awful truth. It is now obvious to me that these children were imitating the emissaries of darkness from your film.

Perhaps this isolated incident is not enough to convince you of the wickedness of the path you have chosen, but there is more. The characters from your "harmless" wizard film all had a strange manner of speech as well. I'm assuming this is some type of magic language that they all learned in the first movie. There was probably some lesson that taught if you don't pronounce the "h" at a beginning of a word or make every "a" sound like an "aw," the dark prince of hell himself will grant you unspeakable powers. Either way, I attended a community theater production of Hamlet not two weeks ago where every actor in the piece imitated this foul demon-speak. Again, in my naivete, I assumed an innocent reason behind this oddity - perhaps they were all deaf or had recently experienced strokes. Nay. They obviously sought to use some magical wile to enchant their audience to engage in some disgusting orgy of filth and wretchedness. I thank God that I was in that audience and that my faith protected everyone that night.

Now I know that your apologists typically use the defense of "It's not real. It only encourages children to use their imagination." And they say that like it's a good thing. Let's take a minute to look at this glorious "imagination" that you wish to instill into our nation's children. I believe we will uncover the truth if we break the word down to its roots - i/magi/nation. Or to fill in the blanks - I am the MAGI to the NATION. Yes, that's right. I've cracked your cunning lingual code. You seek to turn the children of our nation into the Magi (sorcerers or wise men) of our nation. While I'm sure that you would state your goals are benevolent, I find that highly unlikely. Doubtless you seek to raise up some clan of demonically-powered overseers to conquer the American government and enforce the socialist "utopia" that you British hold so dear.

Well, foist your magical universal health care plans on some other hapless nation - perhaps France. Lord knows they deserve it.