Today at work, I was greeted with this alarming news. Apparently, there is a group known as the Rainbow Family (some 20,000 strong) that is planning an unarmed invasion of Colorado for some Hippie love-fest. Immediately upon hearing this news, I began flashing back to the Die Hippie, Die episode of South Park.
To summarize this episode for my readers - South Park is targeted for a Hippie Music Festival that threatens to overwhelm the tiny mountain town, drowning the citizens in a sea of drum circles, body odor and patchouli. The survival of South Park, and the human race itself depends on the efforts one lone hero - Eric Cartman. Answering (and accepting the charges for) the call of heroism, young Master Cartman forges a Hippie Drill capable of burrowing to the center of the unwashed horde where he harnesses the awesome power of Death Metal to drive back the hippie onslaught that assaults his home.
Now in addition to being "pleasantly plump," I have found that I have several things in common with Master Cartman. I am frequently placed in situations where I need to demand that others "Respect my authority!" I too hate Kyle. And I once made a kid eat his parents...probably shouldn't say any more about that until the statute of limitations runs out...Of course, I believe the tie that binds young Eric and I tightest is our mutual hatred of hippies. Indeed, one of my most prized t-shirts is one boasting the image of Cartman, proclaiming "Screw You, Hippie!"
...Perhaps our greatest variance, however, is my lack of anti-Semitism, my a-anti-Semitism, if you will. I am pretty much the opposite of an anti-Semite. My favorite author (and personal hero), Peter David, is a Jew. The last girl I asked out (bringing the grand total to four) was part Jewish (a demi-Jew if you will). Heck, my boss is a Jewish Carpenter. (Note: This is a metaphor. My boss is actually a Caucasian Program Director.) But I Digress...
I guess you could kind of describe me as an older, bespectacled, pro-Semite Eric Cartman.
That fact having been established, I now find that the honor and responsibility to save the great state of Colorado of these most blessed United States of America from the cancerous growth that...grows within...now falls upon my shoulders. Borrowing from the fictional world that seems to be currently dominating our reality, I have chosen to follow the same path as brave Master Cartman...Behold...
Plan A:
The much beloved Hippie Drill. Guzzling down at least two gallons of gas for every mile, this is, perhaps, the least economically feasible of my plans.
Of course, I realize that things don't always work out as well in real life as on TV, so I have also devised a...
Plan B:
The Idaho Integrated Breaching Shotgun. Imagine a crack squad of patriots, lockstep in a "Flying V" formation (like in the Might Ducks) barreling down on the Hippie hordes with these babies. We'd make it to the center in no time.
While scientists have yet to prove that Hippies are, in fact, still human (I personally contend that they are golems, having lost their souls and merely existing as empty, instinct-driven husks), I realize that some may be squeamish with the previous two options. Therefore, I offer my ultimate solution...
Plan C:
You've heard the old adage, "Fight fire with fire"? Well I'm keeping the "with fire" part and exchanging the first "fire" for "Hippies"...and I'm adding "Panda" in there somewhere.
You wanted something to keep the blood off your hands? I'm giving it to you.
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